In the spirit of carbon rationing

I’ve gone with a new option being provided by my hosting company.

Though widely ridiculed in medical circles, homeopathy has the backing of a substantial collection of anecdotal science. There is little evidence to suggest it has ever cured anyone, but the principle may instead be applied to other facets of our civilisation – particularly power generation. We already know that large amounts of energy can, in principle, be extracted from the hydrogen in water through nuclear fusion, though that technology is still some decades away.

By contrast, the homeopathic approach to power generation is considerably simpler. You just need a reasonable number of self-contained power generators, two large tanks and one or more large rubber mallets, along with trained monkeys to wield them. The generators are placed inside one tank, turned on and then submerged in water. After submersion, the mallets are used to strike the tank. The resulting pressure waves convey electromagnetic force through the generators and into the surrounding water, diffusing the functions of the generators among water molecules.

Then, the bottom one tenth of the tank is drained through a large valve (large enough to fit a generator) into the second, equally-sized tank. The first tank is emptied (the left-over generators are now fully compostable), and the remaining nine tenths of the second tank is filled with fresh water. The mallets are used once again, and the bottom one tenth of the second tank is drained back into the first.

This process is repeated about 30 times, after which remains water imbued with the electrical-generation capacity of the original generators. This is the process undertaken by some web hosting providers now, to address interest across the web in reducing online reliance on fossil fuels. So far, I can report that Dave’s Archives appears to be functioning at its usual level of credibility.

Of course, the trap lies in the initial use of petrol-powered generators, because then your homeopathic generator will need constant top-ups of homeopathic petrol. Fortunately, the same process may be applied to solar photovoltaics, which if diluted homeopathically will produce a tank of photovoltaic water, which you can keep in a large transparent sealed container and place in the sun. (Whichever method is used, the homeopathic generator must immediately be connected to the grid to avoid uncontrolled arcing. Simply dangle your live, high-voltage cables in the water and you’re safe.)

This suggests a further, more radical step: converting the oceans to homeopathic photovoltaics. Not only would this essentially solve the world’s energy problems for centuries, but the process can be initiated by anyone for relatively little cost. It has not been attempted up until now principally because it would transform the world’s beaches into high-voltage risk areas, and virtually eliminate surfing (except on artificial waves). Unfortunately, the surfing lobby has thus far succeeded in stalling all scientific research into homeopathy, leading to its current predicament, being the laughing stock of the medical industry and virtually unknown in power generation. Presumably this cannot last forever, and few would argue that surfing is a necessary sacrifice if we are to secure the future of our planet.